Cents2: Not really free
Thursday, September 10th, 2009
If you order now, you can get this Complete, Customized, Personal Repair Manual of Instruction. We don’t know what the Manual of Instruction says yet, or what it will be about when it’s finished, but we wrote it for you anyway and so we would appreciated it if you would buy it. It’s for you, it’s free, and all you have to do is pay shipping. You wouldn’t want to seem ungrateful for this thing we did for you, now would you?
You see, we have decided something is wrong with you and although we don’t know anything about you, we have seen or heard you once and decided we are experts on your problems. From that total lack of information we put together a Manual of Instruction to “fix” whatever we think is wrong with you. It’s really easy, you know, like a television, or a dishwasher. We’ve seen people say they can “fix” other people they don’t know anything about all over the internet. So we decided we could, too.
That is why we have put it out there for sale. If you are unhappy with your personalized repair Manual for any reason whatsoever, you can return it for a full refund (minus the shipping charge, which we keep to cover shipping). And there’s no obligation to buy more. Except, of course, our feelings will be hurt and we will publicly trounce you for daring to be the ungrateful wretch you are for not appreciating the fixing of you we took all this time to do.
But we know that once you have this “fix-you-the-problem” Manual we have written (because we know you better than you do and can fix you whereas you cannot fix yourself) you will want to continue investing in our Manuals of Instruction. They are the most handy, informative, and useful Manuals you will ever have purchased. With your first Manual, you will also receive a form which allows you to order future Manuals.
And the best part about them is that they are all FREE! (just pay shipping)
Order now!
(price does not include ink or paper. Shipping is 299.00. Multiple orders will be shipped separately. A separate shipping charge of 299.00 will be applied to each order. Given the terrible exchange rate on the US dollar, we’d appreciate it if you sent the shipping payment in Euros. Or even Canadian Dollars. We would also take 299 bars of gold-pressed latinum, since gold is still worth something here and latinum sounds a lot like platinum, which is worth something, too. Deeds to land also welcome.)
This one is for Ruby O’Degee. 